A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
* We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.